There May Be Difficulties With This
by Ivy-Parker
Summary: OC- "To the BATMOBILE!" I screamed, Jack and Owen looked at me "No? Well you should call it that!" They SHOULD... Or at least make SUV stand for something cool... Like Sexy... I dunno... Sexy Jack Ianto Owen Mobile... No, wait.. That doesn't work
1. Dimwitted Dog

So once again I wrote a random story, I wanted to do one about someone who isn't in the team. THIS GIRL IS NOT A MARY SUE. Do I need to repeat that? I think I will. THIS. GIRL. IS. NOT. A. MARY BLOODY SUE!!

Here goes.

* * *

I'm writing this to remember, okay? I've been drugged, and I don't know what's going to happen to me. This is ALL TRUE. DO NOT FORGET THAT. This is my story. So I don't forget.

I _can't _forget.

But that's the problem. The details are falling away like they're water in my hands, and I can't hold onto what's reality, and everything is going fuzzy. And it doesn't help that they've faffed around with my computer, my hand already hurts from writing.

I _can't _forget.

* * *

**Three Months Earlier.**

So I had a problem. A rather big problem.

Stupid dog.

"RABBIT!!" I yelled. Yes, my dog's name is Rabbit. And I'm proud.

Actually, that's a lie; my dog has fleas, and smells bad. Lying is bad. Oops.

"OI!" I screamed again "RABBIT!!"

I thought dogs were meant to have good hearing? Or is that whales?

I heard a bark in the distance. _Finally,_ I've been out in the rain for what feels like years. Now for a calm approach, otherwise Rabbit won't come.

"RABBIT YOU STUPID IDIOT, GET OVER HERE!!"

That didn't help. He just peed against a bush.

"Well guys, it looks like he's dead" I heard a man say.

_What?_ Does he mean Rabbit? Because if he does, I swear to God-

"Really Jack? Because I didn't notice what with all the blood and all!" Someone snapped.

"You'd think with a dead body around you guys would be polite" A woman said calmly.

Eew, dead body. I should have walked away.

But... I kind of went the wrong way.

"Away dammit!" I muttered to myself "Just walk away"

I'll just say I tripped if anyone asks.

I peered round the bush. Ugh, the one that Rabbit peed on. Real smart.

Just an inch closer…

"Guys, what's that smell?" Someone said. Oh God, is he talking about me? I _knew_ I should have put more deodorant on, Oh God, I could practically _feel_ flies crawling over me like I'm cow pat...

Must. Get. Deodorant. I bet they're going to die from the stink in a minute.

Crap. Now I'm having a panic attack.

Oh, this is great, I was wheezing about, trying to dodge Rabbit's wee AND get him back.

Breathe… BREATHE.

That's the thing, if you think about breathing, you can't breathe.

"Oh, it's just the dog there that smells" A girl said.

Don't know what all the fuss is about.

"Okay guys, here's what's going to happen, we wrap up the body, take it back to the hub, and do all the tests and stuff, and then-"

"RUFF!!"

Damn! It was Rabbit.

"Rabbit!" I hissed, "Get back here!"

"And can we get the Dog _off_ of the body?" An American voice snapped.

"Rabbit!" I said, slightly louder "Get off the body! It isn't a chew toy! Rabbit!"

Oh, thank God, he heard. And now he's running over.

No, wait. That's not good.

"Rabbit!" I whispered furiously "Sod off!"

Stupid dog. I _knew_ it was a mistake to get him, this is all his fault.

"Hey, is someone there?"

Damn!

"Oh well done Rabbit!" I said to him.

Oops, I forgot, dog's don't really get sarcasm. He looked proud.

"Just… Go annoy strangers!" I waved my hands about. This excited him.

"Hello?" A girl called out.

Err…

I needed a plan. And fast.

I clapped my hands over my eyes "If I can't see you, you can't see me!" I hissed.

"Um… Excuse me?"

Dammit! I was surrounded. Not that I could tell at the time of course. My eyes are still covered.

"Okay... This is the point where I should run." I mumbled to myself.

I started sprinting, as fast as I could, which was rather tricky, because my dog was trying to chew at my shoelaces and I couldn't really see because of where my hands were. Not helpful.

"Oof!" I groaned, as I ran into a tree "Fuck!"

Stupid thing, whose Idea was it to plant that there?! This is also that trees fault.

"Oi!" Someone yelled, a Londoner, I think.

I looked up (hands at my sides) to see five people (I think, my eyesight is shit).

The men are HOT.

The tallest nodded to the others, and came over "Hey there" He smiled (his eyes twinkled…)

This was not the time to flirt!

"Hi" I said, backing away a bit. Maybe he'll follow…?

"My name's Captain Jack Harkness" He said.

Ooh! A captain? That'll make Mum and Dad happy with me! If I go out with someone like that!

And we'll get married, and…

STOP PLANNING AHEAD!

You have to buy the rings first.

"What's your name?" He said, staring at me.

Oh. Oh god, what If they want to arrest me? I bet they thought I killed that person!

I have a plan (other than wedding ones) Use a fake name. Brilliant.

"Harry Potter" I said, sticking my hand out.

Damn!

They all snorted behind him. I _knew_ I should have said Gandalf.

"We're gonna need you to come with us… Harry"

* * *

Okay! So that's the first chapter, and my other Torchwood Fanfics have been boys, so this one's a girl, and her name shall be revealed soon.

Please R&R. No flames.


	2. Wrong Name

Okay, so I'm writing this because I'm as bored as hell. It seems homework just can't please me- shock. Horror.

Thanks: **00-Vampirekisses-00, Skankdragon Blackheart, doctor-who-mad-gal, sci.girl382, Xjazz-handsX, Kateg123, Ze Evil Twins, **and** ElzBelz01** for reviewing.

Thanks** ElzBelz01** and **Kateg123**, for your vast amounts of help in this chapter.

* * *

They then started to torture me.

OH. MY. GOD.

Okay, so here's what's happened.

I got into the car with them.

Well, they kind of dragged me, even though I was happy to go- sort of.

And then…

It happened.

"Shall we turn on the radio?" One of them said. He was Welsh.

And may I add that he was very attractive?

Everyone nodded. And then it came on.

"Under my umbrella…"

That song.

Now, usually, I don't have a problem with Rihanna- and Chingy- whoever accompanies her.

But…

"Wow! I love this song!" Jack smiled "Let's have a sing song, shall we?"

"What?" I snapped.

Sing song. With a bunch of strangers. And a dead body in the back.

"UMBRELLA, 'ELLA 'ELLA!!" They suddenly started screaming.

Oh God!

WHY?!

"ELLA ELLA ELLA!!" The Welshman yelled.

This is torture.

"WHEN THE SUN SHINES, WE'LL SHINE TOGETHER!!"

"I'll kill you all together if you don't shut up!" I yelled.

"TOLD YOU I'LL BE HERE FOREVER!"

This song lasts forever?!

"SAID I'LL ALWAYS BE A FRIEND!"

"YOU CAN STAND UNDER MY UMBRELLA!!"

"'ELLA!"

I know...

"'ELLA!"

I'll dive out of the window.

"'ELLA!"

I scrabbled at the lock "NOOOOOOOOO!!" I screamed.

"GOOD SINGING!" Jack smiled at me.

Better than theirs if anything!

I whimpered, and sat back down "Are we almost there?"

"Yes…" The London dude said "So… Harry Potter..."

Oh. To tell the truth I forgot about that.

Just act cool.

"Yeah?" I asked, I was trying to hide the fact that I was sweating uncontrollably.

"How old are you?"

Wait, how old is Harry Potter at the moment?

"Um… Seventeen?"

The guy noted it down on his notepad.

Strange how he is also quite (noticeably) attractive too.

The women must love it here.

"Do you have-"

Time for a date? HELL YEAH!

"We're here!" Jack said, pushing me out of the car.

And where is that exactly?

And it's freezing.

I hope Rabbit is okay.

OH GOD, RABBIT!

"Where's my dog?" I asked.

They all looked at each other.

"Um…" Jack thought for a minute.

"I'll go get it!" The welsh dude jumped back into the car and drove off.

"YOU FORGOT ABOUT MY DOG?!" I yelled.

"Well, so did you!" Jack snapped back.

Touché.

"Come on… Harry"

They always pause.

"We want to ask you a few questions, my name's Gwen, by the way" She smiled.

Oh God, it's good cop, bad cop!

"You won't get anything out of me!" I yelled.

"That's what you think!" The Londoner grunted, walking off.

"You won't!"

They will.

"Okay, calm down!" Gwen said.

"'Harry Potter'" Jack said, doing that annoying hand thing "Welcome to Torchwood"

Right.

Why does he sound so proud at that?

"This place is a dump!" I said.

It WAS. There were (and I'm guessing if I go back there again it still will be) food packets everywhere, we were obviously in some kind of sewer or something, and the place smelt of that dead body.

"Don't say that in front of Ianto, whatever you do" Jack warned.

"Yeah" Gwen said "We have to take you down the cells"

CELLS?!

"He said Torchwood, not the police!" I pointed at Jack.

"We're separate from the government, aside from the-"

"I don't care! I'm NOT going in a cell!"

Jack looked a bit miffed. Obviously it must have been some kind of speech. Oops.

Oh God, they're probably going to skin me.

"Look, it's fine" Gwen said, behind me "It's only for an hour or two"

"AN HOUR?!" I shouted.

I heard that grumpy bloke muttering something behind me "What?" I asked him.

"Nothing" He said "Just saying, that there's no point in using a fake name, we'll find out anyway!"

"And who says it's a fake name?" I said.

I do.

"I do!" He snapped back. Wow... Psychic.

"What's your real name?" Jack interrupted.

Fine. Guess I have to tell the truth sometime.

"My name's Harry-"

"No" Jack said "Your REAL name"

"What? You don't believe that my first name is Harry?"

"No"

I looked around; they're all shaking their heads at me!

I thought Gwen was the good cop!

"It IS!" I laughed.

"Riiiiight" Jack said sarcastically "And your second fake name"

"Syms"

Yes, It's shit.

They all snorted _again._

It seems they thought I was some kind of mental case.

"And NOW" The Londoner said "What's your REAL NAME?"

"You're not listening!" I snapped, "My full name is Harriet Syms, and I shortened the Harriet to Harry"

"As you do," Jack said sarcastically.

"She is!" A woman said at a computer (and she was clutching a laptop before- what's with her?) "Harriet Syms, 24 years old, moved from London to Cardiff when she was 17"

What are they? Some kind of stalker?

"Oh" Jack blushed furiously "Sorry"

"It's to late to apologise!" I sang, "IT'S TO LAAAAAAATE!"

"Don't" The London dude said "You can't sing"

THEY CAN'T TALK!!

* * *

Alas, that was the next chapter.

Wow… Nothing even happened.

Please R&R, no flames.


	3. Spill the secrets

AU story now. Crap!

So, I'm updating this, I'm kinda bored.

* * *

Jack slammed his hands down on the table.

"I said, what do you know?" He yelled.

I rolled my eyes. It's been going on for hours now.

"What?" I sighed "We've been here _ages_!"

Gwen blinked at me "We've only been here ten minutes"

Oops.

"TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!!" Jack shouted.

"You sound like a broken record!" I snapped back.

"I know!" He leaned forwards "That's the point!!"

"It is" Gwen nodded.

Surely the point is to get information?

AND they still haven't gotten my dog yet.

"What. Do. You. Know?" Jack sighed "TELL ME"

"It's okay if you were forced into it" Gwen said to me, smiling.

Is she some kind of psychologist?

She leaned forwards.

Oh God, she probably wants to hold hands.

"Just tell us!"

I can't tell them that I was nosing in because my dog wanted to pee on that body thing.

"And get a move on" Someone said through the com... Thing.

"Tell us!!" Jack snapped.

"No! You!" I replied.

What?

"What?" Gwen said.

"What?" I replied quickly.

(I'm getting good)

"This is making my head hurt" Jack muttered "You know something, obviously, it's written in your face... I can see it"

"Then get glasses!" I said, exasperated.

"Harry" Gwen smiled "It's fine, you're safe"

Really? Am I really?

"Funny that, because there's a dead body out the back, and an American Psycho here!" I rolled my eyes.

"I love that film" Jack smiled.

"And you still haven't found my dog!!"

Jack and Gwen looked at each other, and Jack got out his phone, putting it on speaker.

"Ianto, what's going on?"

"It just keeps on getting away, Sir!" That welsh dude replied.

That's my boy...

No, wait. Girl...

Boy?

Just Dog.

"See?" Jack smiled at me "It's in safe hands. Now SPILL"

What?!

"Blood?!" I screamed "No fucking way!!"

"What?" Jack and Gwen both said.

"I am NOT spilling blood for ANYONE! FULL STOP!!" I yelled.

Wait a minute...

"Do I get a lawyer?"

* * *

This chapter was kinda short, but, you know...

Lol.

Please R&R.

-ivy-


	4. Slush Puppy Blood

Thanks:Kyoka Rain, ElzBelz01, Doctor-Lost, Skankdragon Blackheart, Crazy Psycho Book Freak, EvilPinkButterfly 101, Chuxter, Kateg123, Sci.Girl382, Friends Girl2008, 00-Vamipire-Kisses-00 for being so kind as to review. Much appreciated.

Woo Hoo. New series of Heroes.

* * *

"So." Jack said, staring pointedly at me "You're going to stay here. Because you know something... And because we still haven't gotten you dog back"

No shit, Sherlock.

"Wait, right here?" I said, pointing to the ground.

"Harriet" Owen said, coming over "Sorry, I refuse to call you Harry"

"Why?" I asked him.

"Do you have friends called Ron?"

"No" I stared at him.

"Hermione?"

"No?"

"Enemy called Draco?"

This guy scares me.

"Owen, why are you interrogating her?" Jack said, coming into view "You're being rather mean"

Because HIM interrogating me is worse.

"You guys are all idiots" I rolled my eyes.

"Right!" Jack said sarcastically "Owen, what happened about the body"

Owen smiled "It was fantastic!"

Wait, picking apart dead people makes him happy?

"The guy died from having his brain turned into liquid" He laughed.

"Wow..." Jack said "Impressive, so how'd you do it, Harry?"

WHAT?!

Help if he knew I feel faint at the mere thought of blood (even though it runs through my brain and stuff)

"He also had his blood turned into... Well... It looked like a Slush Puppy" Owen said, his smile growing.

"Guys" I muttered.

"So THAT has to be one of the best deaths of ALL time" He said.

"Guys"

"Okay" Said Jack- totally ignoring me "See for fingerprints and stuff... And stop him smelling of dog urine!"

It is NOT my fault that Rabbit has bladder problems.

"GUYS!!"

"WHAT?!" Owen and Jack yelled at the same time.

"I feel a bit..."

Faint.

"So much for staying in that exact spot" I heard Owen mutter. JUST as everything went black.

Troubled childhood arsehole.

* * *

TA DAAAAA!!

Sorry, I know it took a while to update. But better late than never!

Please R&R. No flames.

-ivy-


	5. Mayhem?

Thanks: Indiana- Parker (woo hoo, similar name!!) Simone Lecrae, 00-Vampire-Kisses-00, Doctor who mad gal, 854439, Kateg123,Koochielala, sci girl.382, evilpinkbutterfly101, and crazy psycho book freak

To Koochielala: -Takes cookie- Yum.

Muahahaha. New chapter.

I'm updating because I have some crappy cold, and my immune system needs... Um... Reviews? Lol. I've been drugged up on paracetamol and orange juice... Heads feels weird...

* * *

Oof. My head.

"Nng..." I muttered.

"SEE!" I heard Owen snap "I SAID she wasn't dead!"

I'm dead?

If this is heaven, then the men best be topless.

"SO Doctor Harper" Gwen said sarcastically "What do you suggest?"

A hot chocolate.

"Guys..." I mumbled "I still feel weird..."

"PUT HER HEAD BETWEEN HER LEGS!"

"Ooh... Kinky"

"NO!!" Owen snapped "It's a recovery position!"

My head was suddenly yanked forward "OUCH!" I yelled "Considering the fact that this is meant to help me, it's making me feel worse!"

"Duh" Owen said.

Some doctor.

"So Harry" Jack said, coming into view "You killed people, then got your evil dog to pee on the body to contaminate evidence, and you can get away with murder by saying that you faint at the sight of blood!"

"I DID faint!" I snapped, trying to sit up properly.

"HEAD BETWEEN LEGS!" Owen yelled, yanking me back down again.

"How long for?!" I rolled my eyes (not that anyone could see)

I felt Owen shuffling about "Uh... Dunno... They never really taught us how long for..."

"Admit you killed that woman!" Jack said loudly.

"IT WAS A MAN!!" I said, pushing Owen off and standing up (Ouch. Head hurts)

"See?!" Jack jumped about on the spot "SEE?! MURDERER!!"

This man is a lunatic!!

"WHAT?!" I yelled "IF ANYTHING-"

"I HAVE THE DOG!!" Ianto yelled, sprinting in, Rabbit bounded after him, trying to eat his shoelaces "GOOD DOG, GOOD DOG!!"

Ah... Rabbit.

"RABBIT!!" I held out for my arms, waiting for my fluffy, smart, kind and cute dog to come bouncing up to me.

He came running towards me...

"Aw!!" Gwen said behind me "He's so cute!"

Man's best friend... Or womans...

He came running PAST me...

Some pet. Can't even stay loyal.

"Fraternizing with the enemy!!" I whispered to him "Devil dog! Devil dog!!"

"Admit you killed that man!" Jack said.

"NEVER!!" I screamed, running off.

Damn. That makes me seem guilty.

"ADMIT I- Do you guys smell something?" Jack asked, looking around.

"Yeah..." Gwen said "The dog just peed up that plant pot"

As I say. My kind, sweet, cute, lovable dog.

* * *

Please R&R. No flames.

Wow. That chapter was manic, lol.


	6. Oops I killed him

Thanks: 00-Vampire kisses-00, doctor-who-mad-gal, Super Spazz Attack, Simone Lecrae, Friendsgirl2008, Souless Tears, Indiana Parker, Kateg123 for being so kind as to review.

So I feel a ton better, thanks guys, although I have this really annoying cough, and the other day I was walking down the road, practically DYING, and this old lady pops out of nowhere (freaky) and goes "coughing, dear?"

No shit.

Anyways, urm... I like recommending music (because I'm a loser, and I like bands to be known) so today I pick...

Anna Nalick: Breathe (2AM). I got this song of Grey's Anatomy (In the bomb episode) it's one of those 'oh-my-god-i-have-a-killer-headache-so-lets-listen-to-this-song-to-stop-it' songs.

OR (a happier song) Bloc Party: Flux.

Sorry, I'll shut up, lol.

* * *

"WILL SOMEBODY SHUT THE DAMN DOG UP?!" Jack yelled, running up some steps.

Knew I should have gotten the Collie.

"We've tried!" Gwen snapped at him "It's evil!"

Jack glared at me "You're supposed to be it's owner!"

It's?

"IT?!" I shouted "MY DOG IS AN 'IT'?!"

Fight back Harry.

"Well... FINE..." Jack paused "Is your dog a boy or a girl?"

Um..

"I dunno!" I shrugged "When it runs past, try to find out!"

Jack blinked at me "SEE?! SEE?!"

"I'M NOT BLIND!"

"YOU CALLED IT AN IT!"

Evil.

"YOU CALLED MY DOG AN IT!"

"SO DID YOU!"

"I'M ITS OWNER, I'M ALLOWED!!"

Rabbit ran past, with a pair of socks in it's mouth, me and Jack looked at each other.

"GRAB IT!"

"DON'T CALL IT AN IT!"

"HYPOCRITE!"

Curse Jack and his fancy words.

"IT IS IN HYPOCRITE!! HA!"

I heard Gwen coming up behind me.

BANG!!

Ouch. Ouch ouch ouch.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!" I yelled, looking at her, she'd hit me with a saucepan.

"Ha ha!" Jack laughed arrogantly.

"Give me that!" I snapped, grabbing the saucepan off Gwen.

BANG! #2.

Jack dropped to the ground.

Crap.

I turned to Gwen, who looked shocked.

"Okay, so I didn't commit the original murder that you guys arrested me for... But does that one count?" I laughed nervously.

"Why are you guys all yelling about 'it'?" Owen said, coming up the steps "As in sex?"

"YOU KILLED JACK!" I suddenly yelled.

Muahahaha... Frame him!

"What?"

"YES! WITH YOUR MEDICAL... Crap!" I said loudly.

"So I killed Jack" Owen said slowly "Whilst at the same time I was chasing your hell hound which had my socks in it's mouth?"

"YES! PRECISELY!"

Gwen snorted next to me "We should take you home, or something" She nodded "Coffee?"

Why's she asking me for coffee? We should be covering up the murder!

"Okay, Owen, you grab his legs, I'll get his head!" I grabbed his hair and started to drag Jack along.

"What are you doing?" Owen said, not helping at ALL.

"We're going to dump his body in the sea!" I said "How the hell do I get his body down all the steps?"

Curses!

"Look" Gwen said, coming forward "We're not going to drag Jack down the steps, he's probably not even dead, just... Floppy. Tea?"

"NO!! I don't need to drink! I need to drag!!" I said, lugging Jacks body closer to the steps.

Muahahahaa.

Ianto ran up the steps "Do you guys realise that the dog is eating all the paperwork?"

"NOO!!" Jack suddenly screamed "WE NEED THAT SO THAT WE CAN STILL GET GOOD PAY!!"

Owen and Gwen paled and suddenly sprinted off to kill Rabbit, Jack stayed put.

"Harry?" He said, looking up at me "Why are you holding onto my hair, in a very painful yet kinky way?"

Think of an excuse, and be quick!

* * *

Ten minutes later.

"You really should let go of my hair, I don't want to be bold" Jack said.

Oops.

"Sorry" I muttered, letting go of him "So, what now?"

"Well, I think you should go home for a bit..." He stared at me for a minute "Want to go out for a drink? I hear this place does brilliant Retcon!"

"What?"

"RED WINE" Jack said loudly "I said RED WINE"

Sounds good.

* * *

Please R&R.


	7. Mind going blank

Heya!

Wow that sounded weird.

Anyways, first, I was reading a story (not sure whether it was on fanfic or livejournal-which I can't get the hang of) and it was in a girls POV, and she was describing her face. I am not going to do that, because I'm betting that you guys don't walk around thinking "I have blond hair, which is long, a nose, mouth and green eyes" if you do... Then... Sod off. Lol.

So, that means you get to imagine my character looking anyway you like. Muahaha.

Preferably not green with ninety legs.

Thanks to my fantastic reviewers: **Friends-girl2008, Chuxter, jackforpresident **(loving the name) **doctor-who-mad-gal, Souless Tears, Simone Lecrae, Kateg123, Indiana Parker, Bewildered Butterfly.**

Music.. Um...

I recommend...

Gold Lion by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I'm not actually a fan of the band, but I love this song.

* * *

I'm in a pub. It's dirty, smelly, full of alcoholics who can't get a life, and the bartender keeps on muttering "freak of nature!" underneath his breath.

"Your wine, m'lady" Jack said, handing me a beer glass full of what looked like ribena, to me.

"MMMM" I said falsely "My favourite!"

Oh God, it smells of urine.

"So" Jack said, sitting down "How are you?"

"What? I've just been accused of murder, and been trapped in some sort of ultra techonological hell hole for the past twenty four hours... And all you can ask is... How am I?" I snapped, staring at him.

"It's been 2 Hours!" He said "And the only thing... 'ultra technological' is that fact that you've managed to wreck our entire base because of your hell hound of a dog!"

"Yeah well..." I tried to think of a good comeback "You smell funny!!"

Jack looked offended "Really?"

NO. He smells like... Summer on a summer's day...

"Er..."

"Drink your wine" He snapped, glaring at me.

I blinked at the beer glass "Um..."

"Drink up!" Jack smiled.

"Okay then.." I paused, and sipped it quickly "Ohmygod!!" I muttered.

"What?" Jack asked, looking slightly worried.

"IT TASTES LIKE MOLTEN CRAP! THAT'S WHAT!!" I yelled, spitting into a napkin "God!"

"Oh" Jack paused, "I gotta ring Owen" He grabbed his mobile and rushed off "Stay here!" He yelled back.

I looked at the bartender again.

"Freakofnature freakofnature freakofnature..." He said loudly.

I ran after Jack "Okay, I want to leave" I gabbled "This place is weird!"

"Right" Jack was saying into your phone "So you're saying that the fact that she went a bit crazy, and the bad taste was merely because the wine was cheap, and not because of the retcon?"

WHAT?!

WHAT THE FUCK?!

"What the hell?!" I said, poking Jack in the ribs, he spun around, looking scared.

"I can explain!" He said quickly.

"You better!" I yelled "Because I am sure as hell leaving if you don't! I mean- WHAT THE FUCK!" I said angrily.

"I- I-"

"YOU BOUGHT ME CHEAP WINE?!"

Jack stared for a moment "What?"

"CHEAPO, QUICK SAVE WINE, WAS IT?!"

"What?"

"BOUGHT FROM POUNDLAND?!"

Jack narrowed his eyes "I don't know what you're on ab... OH!!"

"Yeah!" I glared at him "What the hell did you think I was on about?"

"Nothing!" He said quickly.

There's something fishy going on here...

And I bet it's not because fish and chips is the pub's meal of the day...

"I have something to explain" Jack said "I may have... ACCIDENTLY... Drugged you..."

Okay...

"With what?!" I said "Tell me it was Paracetamol!"

Or cough sweets.

"No," Jack looked at the floor "Retcon?"

"Riiiight..." I said slowly "Is that... Bad?"

"Yes it's bad! Don't you know what Retcon is?!"

"NO!!" I snapped "Sorry if I didn't take lessons in drug taking!"

"It takes away some of your memory" Jack said, suddenly sounding serious "Of being with Torchwood"

Damn. No more memories of attractive men.

"For how long?" I asked.

"A long time" Jack sounded vague "For pretty much the rest of your life. My bad."

"Crap"

"But the good news is!" Jack smiled "You... Um..." He thought for a minute "You get a free pen!" He passed me a black pen "Congratulations, you are the proud owner of... A PEN"

"Thanks" I muttered sarcastically "So... You're saying, that soon, I won't be able to remember you, Gwen, or anyone from Torchwood?"

"Yeah!" Jack said "Isn't that cool?"

"Well... Not unless..."

Think of some cool line!

"I... WRITE IT DOWN!!"

Take that!

I call it... The Jack Attack!

Wait... That's not right.

I ran out of the pub, and sprinted into the street.

"WELL GOOD LUCK WITH THAT!" Jack yelled "BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!"

Damn.

* * *

So here I am, scribbling as fast as possible on some Eyore paper, before it all turns to mulch in my mind.

This is the end of my story, and I hope when I wake up, that this will help.

Rabbit walked up to me, looking at what I was doing.

"Hey little doggo" I smiled "You're gonna help, because you're such a good dog!!" I patted him on the head.

Rabbit looked at me, and then.

CRAP!

He put.

His cursed.

Muddy.

Blackened.

Paws.

ON MY PAPER!!

"NOOOO!!" I screamed.

I grabbed another sheet and started to write.

"I need to remember..." I muttered "Because soon, everything will turn into... "

Darkness.

* * *

DUN DUN DUNNN!!

Yeah.

Lovely. Crap cliffhanger.

Muahahahahahahaha...

So, next chapter shall be here soon, as long as you guys REVIEW!


	8. Mermories

Hi guys/guyettes

Okay, so there IS a reason as to why I haven't updated. Make that two reasons... Maybe more.

1) I fucked up my internet connection.

2) I couldn't think of anything (just one thing, and it wasn't particularly helpful)

3) I'm lazy.

So, this is another chapter. Enjoy my sweethearts.

* * *

Wow. I must have been WASTED!!

My shirt is stained with wine. There are odd bits of paper flying about. And I can't remember a thing!

Wow.

Rabbit blinked at me, (obviously) he was proud of me.

I hope I'm fun when I'm drunk, and not in the way that you walk around singing "Auld land syne"

There was a banging at my door "OPEN UP!!" Said a gruff voice.

Damn. It's Bob.

"YOU'RE LATE FOR WORK!!"

Rob is the dude who picks me up to take me to work (I lost my licence- By accident of course) and he always stares at me... In the wrong way.

"YOU'RE LATE!!" He yelled again, banging on my door.

I grabbed the nearest jacket and sprinted out of the door. Bumping straight into him.

EEWW... Beer belly.

I pushed myself out of it, and looked up "Hello... Bob"

He stared at them.

"Nice to see you too" I muttered, pushing past.

He stared at them.

* * *

At work.

I don't even know what I do. That's how stupid this job is.

"Do you have a pen?" Some lady from another table asked. I fished into my pocket and threw her one.

Stupid job. Stupid stupid perv.

Can't even get a bloody premotion.

Because I don't even know what I'm DOING!

"Hey, who's Ianto Jones?" The lady asked me, handing back my pen.

I shrugged, "Why?"

"Look at your pen" She said, turning back to her computer.

"This pen is curtesy of Ianto Jones

If found, please return to the Torchwood Hub

Underneath the millenium square thing

(You know it)"

"Right..." I muttered, rolling the pen over:

"Seriously, return it... I hate losing pens"

That's just... Odd.

"I have an... Errand" I muttered, walking away from my computer.

I walked quickly towards the place where I should be, not really knowing what to do.

(FEELING LIKE A PLONKER)

"Do you have it?" A voice said behind me, I turned around, he was covered up, and had a Welsh accent.

"Um... Ianto Jones?" I said, backing away slightly.

"Do you have the pen?" He said, moving foward "I saw you... On camera" He pointed to a camera.

"Riiight..." I said, frowning.

"Yes. We watch you"

"Okay, so seriously!" I snapped "You sound like you're about to rape me!!"

"Oh... My bad" He muttered, pulling down his hood.

Whao... Attractive.

My mind flashed with random memories, all including him.

"You..." I said, staring at him "You're a person..."

He rolled his eyes "Really? Because I was starting to feel like a puppy!"

"Um..."

"So, do you remember me?" He took a step forward "Damn. I just fucked up your memory"

This is odd. A man (who is attractive) who is desperate for a pen is making my mind go weird. The place started to spin.

"I feel dizzy" I mumbled, feeling floppy.

"Come on, let's go get you a coffee" He said. Grabbing me by the arm.

* * *

In... Some place.

The coffee is heaven. Literally.

Ianto had walked off somewhere, and I could hear a whispered conversation with someone.

"WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY IS IT ALWAYS BECAUSE OF THE PEN?!" An american accent screamed

"YOU KEEP ON STEALING THEM!!" I heard Ianto shout.

A man walked in the room.. Looking slightly pissed off.

"Do you remember me?" He said sharply.

"No" I replied. He blinked for a second.

"So... You know who he is-" He pointed to Ianto "But not me?"

"Yup"

"Not my shining hair, sparkling teeth, fantastic body posture?"

"No"

"Twinkling eyes, great abs, dress sense that would make Gok Wan jealous?"

I blinked.

"WHAT?!" He shouted "You remember coffee boy- No offence- But not ME?!"

"Um..."

"WELL THAT'S ABOUT TO CHANGE MISSY!!" He snapped, grabbing me by the arm, and taking me somewhere.

Ianto followed, "What are you doing?"

"I REFUSE TO BE UNKNOWN!" Strange man yelled "I AM MAKING HER REMEMBER ME!!"

Ianto stopped in the corridor "What?"

"SOD THE BLOODY RETCON!" He shouted.

He sounds like a bundle of laughs.

* * *

Dadaaa.

That's my new chapter.

Okay, so let me explain for those who are confused.

If you remember, Jack (In the last chapter) gave her a free pen, in return for retconning her, and, that pen was Ianto's, who put on it to return it. When he met her, she remembered him, but nothing else. Jack is now jealous...

Na ha.

Please R&R, no flames.


	9. The joys of memory

I AM BACK!!

HA HA!

I got my internet back!

Yeah, so... This is a new chapter...

Oh, and I realise that the majority of you may not be as interested in Torchwood as you were, I totally understand that.

Music to listen to... Busta Rhymes ft. Linkin Park: We made it (I love that song)

* * *

"Seriously, you don't remember me?" The man said sharply, shaking my shoulders.

"No" I sighed, for what felt like the 18 millionth time.

"Look at me" He said "I am attractive, sexy, have fantastic eyebrows and a great jawline... Remember anything?"

"No!" I screamed "For the love of God, No!!"

"At least we know the retcon works" A lady said from behind him, "Jack, just leave her. She's thick and clueless!"

Bitch.

"NEVER!" Jack screamed, shaking me again "Strong muscular... Muscles, no wrinkles... A good diet?" He stared at me.

"You sound like a Marks and Spencer advert" I rolled my eyes.

Ianto walked into the room, frowning at Jack "Harry, would you like a cup of coffee?" He asked politely.

"NO! SHE DOESN'T!!" Jack screamed, still not looking away from me "SHE DOESN'T WANT YOUR COFFEE UNTIL SHE REMEMBERS ME!!"

Ianto blinked "Harry?"

"Apparently I don't want anything" I smiled at him "But thanks"

"This is unfair!" Jack shrieked like a toddler, "We know who you are, we have birth certificates, exam results, even the name of who you first kissed!!"

"What?!" I stared at him.

"Yeah..." The lady said from behind Jack "You know he's now a tramp, right?"

"YOU KISSED A TRAMP?!" A Londoner shouted from his desk, he laughed loudly.

"NO!" I yelled back "He wasn't a tramp THEN!"

"STOP REMEMBERING OTHER PEOPLE!" Jack said, pushing the Londoner of his chair "ME! JACK!! SEXY!!"

"YOU HAVE A HUGE EGO!!" I yelled.

"So you DO remember me!" Jack said proudly "Ha."

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!" The Welsh lady said loudly "Even if she DOES remember you, we still have to retcon her!! AGAIN!!"

"Oh..." Jack paused, he looked at me "Err.. Harry... THIS IS A DREAM..." He waved his arms about "See? Now change your dream to something else..."

"Gods sake" Ianto muttered.

"What?!" Jack said "It's YOUR fault she's BACK here!!"

Back?

"HOW IS IT MY FAULT?!" Ianto screeched "I CAN'T HELP IT IF YOU STOLE MY PEN- AGAIN- AND GAVE IT TO HER AS A TREAT FROM BEING RETCONNED!!"

Oh. That brings back some memories.

"ME?! WHY THE HELL DID YOU PUT AN IMPRINT ON THE PEN SAYING WHERE IT'S FROM?!"

Yep. Definitely remember now.

"BECAUSE I'M SICK OF HAVING TO RANSACK THE OFFICE JUST TO WRITE ON A POST IT NOTE!!"

Thank god they haven't noticed.

"Guys" I said, "I really have to go... Err... Work meeting..." I said.

"Okay" Jack said, still glaring at Ianto "We'll come and drug you later"

"Great"

I ran out of the building.

"YOU TWATS LET HER GET AWAY!!" I heard a lady yelling.

Shit.

I scrabbled around in my bag and grabbed my phone, dialling 999 quickly "Police?!" I screamed "I'M ABOUT TO BE DRUGGED!!"

Wait, that's not right.

"I MEAN, PEOPLE ARE CHASING AFTER ME WHO WANT TO DRUG ME!!"

"Okay..." Said the operator on the other end of the line (she was obviously sniggering) "Where are you?"

"I- Uh... I'M IN WALES!!"

"No shit"

"IN CARDIFF!"

"Anything else?"

"HELP!!" I shouted, running faster.

"Oh... RIGHT!" Said the operator "Okay, so a group of people called Torchwood say they'll sort it. Help is on its way"

WHAT?!

"THANKS!!" I shouted sarcastically, running into a random building, Jack and the others were catching up.

"Harry?" Jack shouted into the building sweetly "Would it help if we told you we're your friends?"

"Best friends?" Ianto said.

"Or if we told you we loved you?"

* * *

Sorry. Ran out of ideas just then, lol.

Update shall be coming shortly.

Please r+r


	10. Not much of an escape route

Wo-Naaa.

(A.k.a: Hi)

This is my update, it's been a while because I've had zilcho ideas and have become addicted to Desperate Housewives. Lol.

* * *

"Harry, if you come out we'll... Perform Moulin Rouge!!" Jack yelled.

"No!"

"We'll buy you better shoes!"

"My shoes are perfect!!"

I heard someone snort "Yeah, right!!"

The Torchwood "Crew" are attempting to get me out of the building, I managed to get into the only one which had one exit. So I'm a bit stuck.

"C'mon Harry! You can't stay in there forever!!" I heard Ianto yell.

"Why don't we try smoking her out?" Owen muttered to the others.

I can tell they're all thinking about that.

"I'll get the matches, you get the paper and Vodka!!" He said cheerily.

"No!!" I yelled, "I'll... Sue you!!"

"We can't have that happen again guys" Jack said to the others.

"When did it first happen?" I heard Gwen ask.

"I happened when Jack-"

"WE SWORE THIS TO SECRECY OWEN!! UNLESS YOU FANCY DISCUSSING THE INCIDENT WHICH INCLUDED THE MCDONALDS CHICKEN LEGEND, A WEEVIL AND A GREY'S ANATOMY BOXSET?!"

Owen paused "Nothing happened"

"C'mon Harry! Out!!"

"NEVERRR!!" I screamed.

"Oh look!! It's... ORLANDO BLOOM!"

Bloom? The bloomy? Bloomster? The man who I want to sing "Bloom, Bloom, Bloom, Bloom, I want you in my room..." To?

"WHERE?!" I screamed, sprinting outside "LEMME AT HIM!!"

"HA!!" Jack yelled, he grabbed me by the collar "Got you!!"

Orlando Bloom wasn't there!!

"We hacked into your computer and found that you'd googled Orlando Bloom over 50,000 times, we figured you fancied him" Ianto nodded, holding back a laugh.

"Just because you fancy him!!" I screamed.

Ianto stared at me "Actually, I prefer Brad Pitt"

* * *

Ta dizzle.

More would've happened, but I ran out of ideas, so help is welcome.

Please R&R


	11. Johnny Depp?

Look!! It's an update!!

WOW!!

Yeah, shock, I know.

Anyways, sorry for taking so long, first of all… I couldn't be bothered, then, when I did try I didn't have any ideas, so now I'm just going to try and do it as good as possible.

My thanks to: **Ageisole, Chuxter** (and thanks for the ideas too!), **AzureFalls, Souless-tears, ElzBelz1, 382, Kateg123, Bewildered Butterfly, Indiana Parker, Lady Clack Weasley Of Books, Clarklit05, xLaramiex, Winnie Conway.**

I love how people liked the whole "Bloom, bloom bloom" Thing, lol. That only took me a second to make up.

* * *

"Really?" Jack said to Ianto "You bitch!"

"What?" Ianto shrugged "He's got that whole- "I'm gonna try to own every child in the universe" thing going on"

"What about Johnny Depp?" Owen piped up "He's quite sexy"

Everyone stopped.

"What?"

Everyone stared.

"Seriously… Johnny Depp"

Everyone forgot to breathe.

"I STILL FANCY EVA LONGORIA, OKAY?"

Everyone suddenly started wheezing out of forgetting to breathe.

"She's hot too!"

"Wouldn't hurt for you to say it once in a while…" Jack sniffed.

I rolled my eyes "CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT YOU GUYS ARE ALL "Ooh.. I'm higher than the police, and the government fancy me, but don't even know who I am…" YOU'RE A PRETTY CRAP TEAM!!"

"That was such a bad imitation" Jack laughed slightly, "You have to sound mysterious… Ominous…"

Owen sighed "He spent weeks saying those lines…"

"Over, and over again…" Tosh muttered.

"For Gods sake!" Gwen said.

"ESCAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!!" I screamed, I kicked Ianto in the crotch, and legged it.

"Omf… Me goolies" Ianto whimpered, and I heard a thud as he fell to the floor.

I sprinted round the corner, and dived into a nearby building, slamming my body against the wall to hide myself.

"Well, hi there!" A high-pitched voice said "And welcome to Tammy and Trudy's Truly Tanning Parlour!! How can I help?"

"Bollocks" I muttered.

"I'll tell you now, Tammy and Trudy's Truly Tanning Parlour haven't had a customer in weeks, Tammy said we'll have to close it, but, no, no, I said, I said there'll a customer, and surely a customer there is! TAMMY!! LOOK AT THIS!!"

Another woman entered the room.

"Is that a customer I see before me?"

"It surely is Tammy!"

"Well, Trudy… What did I say?"

"No, Tammy, What did I say?"

"No, ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!!"

* * *

Son of a bitch.

Right. So couldn't think of an ending, so she's trapped in a salon with a bunch of maniacs.

Wahey.


End file.
